My Own Yardstick

From the Idiosyncradeck Tarot, the Page of Arrows (Wands); from the Mixed Emotions Cards, Stressed:

The biggest competition is myself. I am not looking to follow others or pull them down. I'm planning to test my own boundaries. ―Jung Ji-hoon (Rain)

The Page of Wands/Arrows, judging by the leaves, has had some success in his endeavors. His arrow is painted as if keeping a tally of his victories over others. What he hasn't figured out is that there will always be people less creative and noteworthy than him, yet there will also be those who excel beyond him. Excessive competition can generate fraud and unethical behavior as well as leave one's self-esteem in tatters, which explains the Stressed card. Competition only generates one winner. Instead, we can compete with our self, comparing what we've done to what we're currently doing. Rather than focusing on what others are doing, we can experiment and expand in directions that interest us. 

Shades of Gray

From the Idiosyncradeck, Temperance; from the Mixed Emotions Cards, Confusion:

The spaces in between, where absolutes blur, are where growth and understanding thrive. 

―Liz Durden-Myers

The creator's comment on this card was, "Even when it's dark, there's light." We have been trained to think that our security and stability comes from choosing what is right and good and avoiding what is wrong and bad, as if things were clearly marked and defined. Confused is what happens when we experience cognitive dissonance, realizing that two different beliefs could both be true. While binary thinking may be helpful in making quick decisions, Durden-Myers explains that it stifles our creativity, creates societal divisions and overlooks the complexity of life. There's a lot of good in seeing in shades of gray rather than only black or white.

Relationship Saves Everything

From the Idiosyncradeck Tarot, the Tower; from the Mixed Emotions Cards, Hopelessness:

This is how I want to journey through this time of increasing uncertainty. Groundless, hopeless, insecure, patient, clear. And together. ―Margaret Wheatley

These cards sum up my feelings today as  federal grant cuts are hitting our community hard: our local Arts Council will be closing; the Job Corps (that houses and teaches skills to at-risk teens - currently 500) is closing; and our inter-library book loan service (that allows us to borrow books from other libraries in GA that our library doesn't have) will cease. And while Emory hospital is not local, our region has relied on its cutting-edge technology and treatments (which recently saved my husband's life); they lost all of their grants as well. I recently came across this essay by Wheatley, and instead of sitting in a blue funk, I'll share some of her words of wisdom:

I read a quote from Rudolf Bahro that did help: "When the forms of an old culture are dying, the new culture is created by a few people who are not afraid to be insecure." Could insecurity, self-doubt, be a good trait? I find it hard to imagine how I can work for the future without feeling grounded in the belief that my actions will make a difference. 

Being liberated from results, giving up outcomes, doing what feels right rather than effective. He helps me recall the Buddhist teaching that hopelessness is not the opposite of hope. Fear is. Hope and fear are inescapable partners. Anytime we hope for a certain outcome, and work hard to make it a happen, then we also introduce fear...

In a letter to a friend, Thomas Merton advised: "Do not depend on the hope of results . . .you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. . . .you gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people . . . .In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."

Crumbling Infrastructure

From the Idiosyncradeck Tarot, the Ten of Swords; from the Mixed Emotions Cards, Relieved:

If a given idea has been held in the human mind for many generations, as almost all our common ideas have, it takes sincere and continued effort to remove it; and if it is one of the oldest we have in stock, one of the big, common, unquestioned world ideas, vast is the labor of those who seek to change it.

― Charlotte Perkins Gilman

We grow up with a culture and society that firmly shape our ideas. As we age, we may drop some of our views and add others. But occasionally, the whole framework we've rested our purpose and meaning on comes crashing down - we see that what we've held dearly as righteous fact is only a skewed opinion. We had been believing what someone told us was true, often to keep us toeing a line. Not having that structure to rely on may leave us in an uncertain limbo. Yet Relieved suggests we look at it as an expansive freedom that gives us the opportunity to explore and investigate on our own. What amazing things we might learn!

Muddy Reading

From the Idiosyncradeck Tarot, the Moon; from the Mixed Emotions Cards, Vulnerable:

Suspicion comes out of the unrenewed mind; discernment comes out of the renewed spirit.

―Joyce Meyer

"Don't make any major decisions for a year" is advice often heard in the rooms of recovery. It usually takes that long for the brain to recover and come back online so that we see and understand reality clearly. The Moon suggests a pause as well, either because we are physically exhausted, emotionally drained, or currently in the middle of drama or chaos. Vulnerable suggests we are unprotected because of a lack of discernment. We're not processing information and facts accurately at the moment, and should heed Lao Tzu's question: "Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?"

Not Okay

This week I'll be using the Idiosyncradeck Tarot, created and self-published by Jessica Bott. Along with it, I'll be drawing from the Mixed Emotions Cards, created by Petra Martin with Kris Wiltse (Illustrator) and published by Heron Lake Press. Today's draws are the Five of Stones and Loving:

I am not okay

I'm barely gettin' by

I'm losin' track of days

And losin' sleep at night

I am not okay

I'm hangin' on the rails

So if I say I'm fine

Just know I learned to hide it well

―Jelly Roll

This stone has been eroded by flood, wind and precipitation to the point that just a gust of wind could topple it. It's the same way with humans, when we get hit time and time again with unexpected events, hardship and emotional challenges. We barely have time to get to our feet when we get knocked down again. When sincere folks ask how we're coping, do we answer "Fine"? We all know what that stands for: f#cked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. The Loving card encourages us to drop the tough act and be honest, including being tender to our self. Doing so would allow others to reach behind the wall we've erected and offer support.

Letting the Clouds Clear

From the Dark Mansion Tarot, the Hanged Man; from Miss Mai's Victorian Oracle, Teacup:

Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it. ―Michael J. Fox

Because humans aren't always adept at learning lessons through unexpected circumstances or from encounters with others, life has a way of grabbing us by the nape of the neck and putting us in time-out to reconsider our perspective. Teacup symbolizes replenishment, taking time to restore what is depleted in us. In this case, it is our peace of mind. Feeling powerless stirs up anger, which only clouds our clarity. But taking time to let go of our story so that we can see what is true can help us to see what would be useful and beneficial rather than creating more damage.