Not What We Thought

From the World Spirit Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Mystic Glyphs, Moon Phases:

Grief is the difference between where your life is and where you thought it would be.

—Lucy Hone

By the time most people are my age (65), we've collected losses like jars of old spices sitting in our cupboards. Yet every fresh loss hits us the same - we feel it physically as well as emotionally. We ask ourselves, "How will I ever get through this?" We were cruising down the highway of life, with ideas about how it was supposed to proceed, and suddenly it takes an exit ramp. Moon Phases reminds us that everything evolves and changes constantly; it doesn't make our losses less bitter, but it does remind us that these things are universal rather than personal. If we'll open our heart and mind even as we grieve, we might find glimmers of happiness even on hard days. Resilience requires that we adopt a wider perspective and a willingness to step out of our comfort zone. It won't erase the pain, but it might help add some sunshine.

Cloudy Days

From the Wild Unknown Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Pictish Oracle, Arch:

I have my foggy and my fine days within me.

—Blaise Pascal

Tired, worn down by stress, and feeling like the world has been washed of its color - we all have days when we experience such moods. A mood is a sustained, generalized state of feeling (unlike specific emotions which are intense with a specific target). On these days, it might help to consider what our mind and body need (which does not include trying to reshape the world according to our desires). There is no evidence that the Picts shod their horses, so the Arch is likely a structure or a torque (neck ring). It reminds us that there is a way through this dark cloud. First, we offer counter arguments to our thoughts when we catch ourselves thinking in black and white and making assumptions. We might reach out to a friend who is practical but positive or put on some upbeat music. It would also be helpful if we get enough sleep, exercise if possible, and eat regular meals. As Karishma Mehta said, "It's a bad day, not a bad life."

Where Darkness Lies

From the Vision Quest Tarot, the Five of Water (Cups); from the Bird Signs/Ascension to Paradise Cards, Flamingo:

There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand.

― Sarah Dessen

The Five of Water/Cups is a card of emotional loss brought on by disillusionment, when our expectations or beliefs fail to line up with reality. And what part of reality did we miss? Alisa Denis wrote: "Ignorance is the way the world feels solid when it’s not, the way the self feels central when it’s not, the way we keep expecting what is changing to finally settle down and behave. Ignorance is not a moral failure, it’s a perceptual one." When feeding, the Flamingo plunges its head into the water, twists it upside down, and scoops up its meal using its upper beak like a shovel. It reminds us to keep a close eye on what is happening right where we are rather than get caught up in fantasies about the future. As the Japanese proverb says, "darkness lies at the foot of the lighthouse." 

Stray Cats

From the Morgan Greer Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Celtic Book of the Dead, the Island of Black and White:

Having turned yourself around, accepting your situation, set foot on the path, spiritual energy will marvelously transport you. —Hongzhi Zhengjue

This fellow is experiencing disappointment and despair, a normal response to loss or unmet expectations. What he hasn't gotten around to yet is acceptance. He's too busy denouncing and blaming the person, place or thing he thinks has caused his pain. But as Carl Jung stated, "Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." The Island of Black and White had a flock of sheep that turned black or white, changing from one color to the other as they crossed a boundary. Our emotions are like stray cats - if we feed them, they stick around. If we don't, they move on. As Percy B. Shelley wrote, "Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow; nought may endure but mutability!"

Creeping Upward

From the Somnia Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Spirits of Nature Oracle, Lotus;

At first it numbed me, pleasure leaching from my days like a summer leaf draining of sap to greet the autumn. Then loneliness came, a creeping oily stain that stopped me from enjoying it at all.

―Kat Dunn

The insidious part of sadness is that when we steep in it long enough, it becomes depression and despair. We imagine we have no control over anything, that we are incapable of feeling happiness ever again. Lotus, a flower whose seed lies in the mucky mud, will begin to root and gradually move upward through murky water to the sunlight. It symbolizes resurrection and restoration. That deep well of unhappiness has plenty of room to hold joy too, if we are willing to make some changes. A trustworthy friend can listen and remind us of our resilience, and walks in the sun can awaken a body that has been shut down. We can savor calm moments and rekindle our gratitude. Perhaps most importantly, we can reframe our thoughts, acknowledging there is sadness but recognizing the capacity for joy is still within us. We turn our attention to the good rather than ruminating on the past.

Slipping from Our Grasp

From the Prisma Visions Tarot, the Five of Chalices; from the Secret Language of Color Cards, Empathy:

It is a natural instinct to grasp what is falling, reach for what is slipping or chase what is running away.  ―Sarah Voldeng

Relationships that we have history with, that we've invested time and love in, are hard to let slip from our grasp. We grieve, yet it is prudent to also care for our own heart with kindness. It may help to remember Voldeng's words: "It is impossible to exercise control where we have no reign." Turquoise blends calming blue with rejuvenating green and relates to empathy. This perspective includes both the affective (feeling what others feel) and cognitive (understanding their thoughts). When we are willing to acknowledge the views and feelings of those who left us, it can help us accept their loss. And in doing so, we might approach our current relationships with more awareness and appreciation. 

Suffering Over Suffering

From the Llewellyn Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Beasts of Albion, Squirrel:

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.  ―Thich Nhat Hanh

One of the descriptions of this card from the companion book explains it as "suffering over our suffering." In other words, we have a loss or disappointment then rehearse every detail of it, reliving our pain over and over again. In part, it is an illusion that makes us think we might somehow hold on to what was lost. It also keeps us from moving into an unknown future without what we long for. Squirrel represents both a messenger and preparation. They are usually seen in near constant motion here, except when the heat index is high and they're splooting to cool down. This animal reminds us that while we need time to grieve, life necessitates that we must get moving again. Sometimes just starting with a small task can help us take the first step.

Not Splinter

From the Tarot of Durer, the Five of Cups; from the Philosopher's Stone, Existence:

Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

―M. Scott Peck

To exist in physical form is to have periods of psychological pain, including regret, grief and despair. Such suffering can shrink our world until the only part we see is what hurts. We often add additional pain by thinking this shouldn't have happened to us, that we don't have the resources to deal with this, that we just don't know what to do now; our pain becomes doubled. What is required at this point is for us to widen our perspective beyond our hurt. As Mark Nepo explained, "When feeling a splinter, we must, while trying to remove it, remember there is a body that is not splinter, and a spirit that is not splinter, and a world that is not splinter."

A Severance

From the Waking the Wild Spirit Tarot, the Five of Water (Cups); from the Saltwater Reading Cards, Rock Pool:

As humans, we are strongly motivated to seek out social bonds that are warm, dependable, friendly and supportive. Losing someone close to us terminates that bond and the social and physical protection they provided. —Dr. George Slavich

Grieving a loss is not just an emotional reaction, it puts a significant strain on our bodies too. Tears may serve a biological function by excreting stress-inducing hormones built up by our emotional distress. Rock Pool, a shallow pool of seawater that forms on the rocky intertidal shore, symbolizes a sanctuary we can begin to heal in. While these pools are small, they do hold a variety of marine life. Dealing with loss may be something we prefer to do in private, but this pool encourages us to include a few others who can help us adapt and move through our sorrow.

An Obesity of Grief

From the Hidden Realms Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Heart of Faerie, the Child:

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

―Ellen Bass

Anyone who has ever deeply loved and lost anything or anyone knows the depths of despair. Grief engulfs us, like a huge wave; just when we think we can breathe again, another wave hits us. As poet Edward Hirsch described, grief is the task of Sisyphus. It is only when we stop focusing on the loss and also remember the good that we stop pushing the boulder. The Child comes to help us regain our sense of curiosity and wonder, to experience life without judgment. It is in realizing that this is a season of life, natural not personal, that we begin to heal. With compassion, we realize how many others have had their own boulders to deal with.

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

―Ellen Bass

It's Sailed

This week I'll be using the Hezicos Tarot, created and self-published by Mary Griffin. Along with it I'll be using the Way of the Horse, an oracle deck and book set created by Linda Kohanov with Kim McElroy and published by New World Library. The two cards drawn for today are the Five of Cups and Dominance:

It is about being clear about the list of things we really want to pursue in life, and in choosing to reserve our energy for those things that mean the most. ―Andre Begin

This little gnome is so angry, his body is as rigid as board. Connections and relationships have fallen by the wayside, but right now he's too mad to consider whether he had a hand in their departure. If his anger gives way to grief, then perhaps he'll reflect with a clearer eye. Yet if he gets stuck, he's going to lose the two loyal cups still standing behind him. Dominance shows a horse straining so hard, he is covered in sweat with his veins protruding. Trying to control people can make us feel the same way internally. We feel entitled to expect them to behave how we think they should, but of course they never do (and usually react badly when we berate them). The boat on the ocean behind the gnome illustrates the saying, "that ship has sailed." No amount of bargaining, intimidation or manipulation will turn back time. Best to learn from our mistakes and use our energy for more beneficial pursuits.

Release

This week I'll be using the Tarot de St. Croix, created and self-published by Lisa de St. Croix. Along with it, I'll be drawing from the Archetype Cards, created by Caroline Myss and published by Hay House. Today's cards are the Five of Cups and Destroyer:

There is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. 

—Alan Cohen

I am in awe of people who make their living by creating - be it a book, a painting, clothing design, or architecture - and then release it to the world to be judged. It is a sort of relationship they have with the public, albeit a fickle one, sometimes with the result of being adored while other times made an object of ridicule. No matter what sort of relationship we've poured our heart into, it hurts to be mocked or told we are unworthy. This woman has grieved her losses and now heads to the bridge to cross over to the other relationships that await her. The archetype Destroyer is like a volcano, erupting to rid itself of what burns and boils inside. Resentments that are nurtured always hold us back from being truly fulfilled and content until they are released. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, "People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free, and we don't suffer anymore."

Where Does It End?

From the Sasuraibito Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Soul Cards, Dust Dervish:

Where does the rainbow end,

in your soul or on the horizon?

― Pablo Neruda

Grief is a natural response when there is loss, setbacks or misfortune. Yet, as Neruda asks, where do we place our hope? Do we place it in wishful hope that might somehow erase the past or bring back what we lost, or in wise hope that understands that even as we process our grief, change is happening? Dust Dervishes are small rotating columns of air that pick up dust, leaves and other light materials from the ground. They remind me of my daughter's delight as a preschooler when she would find one and dance with the spinning leaves. This card suggests we take Mark Nepo's advice and look wider than what hurts. We don't have to push away our pain, just make room for a bit of beauty, wonder, and joy to add to it. 

The Waters of Our Life

From the Wild Unknown Tarot, the Five of Cups; from the Pictish Oracle, the Snake:

Love and sadness are blended together in the waters of our life, and we must drink them together, just as they are. Neither cancels out the other.

— Wayne Muller

The exhausted hang of this horse's head reflects the same physical feeling we have when sorrow and despair show up. Yet if we wait for a bit, those who care about us will tell their own stories of loss - not to invalidate our emotional struggle, but to remind us that it is universal. No one is invulnerable. But those tales will be followed by the story of a new and different road, one that doesn't forget the value of what was lost but allows them to move on. The Snake had a complex meaning in the Celtic world. Its ability to coil and strike caused fear, but its habit of shedding its skin connected it with healing. Loss usually creates anxiety, but given time and acceptance, healing may wedge itself into our heart and overpower it. 

 

Sacrifice and Restoration

From the Tarot of the Sidhe, Dancer Five (Five of Cups); from the Green Man Tree Oracle, Elder (Ruis):

I let my guard down

And then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

―Lewis Capaldi

Watching a cherished relationship slowly fade or suddenly dissolve is to know grief and loss. Blame - whether of ourselves or another - may be used to try to make us feel better. Yet it would be more useful to feel our feelings without judgment or projections and let them dissipate. The Elder's ogham is Ruis, which means 'redness,' like the stems that hold its berries. It indicates intensity and passion, such as seen with anger or embarrassment. The companion book for this oracle offers the wisdom that "from sacrifice comes restoration." When we can grieve without clinging, we sacrifice the ego's desire for things to stay the same. In return, we find contentment and peace. 

Back Into the Flow

From the Animal Totem Tarot, the Five of Cups (Capybara); from the Blum/Gern Rune Cards, Kenaz:

It takes strength to make your way through grief, to grab hold of life and let it pull you forward.

~ Patti Davis

Shakespeare wrote, "Well, every one can master a grief but he that has it." It is an odd thing to notice that the world does not stop turning when a relationship ends. Grief can be immense and powerful; it seems that the polite thing for all humanity to do would be to stop and acknowledge our loss. But people have figured out that while grief may stop us in our tracks for a time, we must learn to move back into the flow of life, even as we carry it with us. The rune Kenaz means 'torch' and implies a search for understanding and clarity. Kenaz points out that everything in this physical world is constantly changing and impermanent, even relationships. When we lose the smaller things - a favorite mug broken, a flat tire, etc. - they are our teachers for learning to accept the larger losses that come. 

Rupture and Repair

From the Songs for the Journey Home, the Five of Wave Songs (Five of Cups); from the Magic Neko Deck, the Ten of Hearts:

If we fall, we don’t need self-recrimination or blame or anger – we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to re-commit, to be whole-hearted once again.

— Sharon Salzberg

The Five Cups are symbolic of broken dreams, self-recrimination and anguish. While it's good to reflect on and grieve our loss, we need to be careful that our suffering doesn't become a sinkhole that swallows us. The companion book, since this card shows a butler dropping a tray, offers another angle to consider: create a balance between serving others and taking care of oneself. The issue is not to be more devoted to others but to be concerned about our own well-being too. The Ten of Hearts shows a stargazer watching the night sky. She knows that moments of wonder, curiosity and awe help settle the mind and fill the heart. 

The Healing

From the Wayfarer Tarot, the Five of Water (Cups); from the Curious Oracle, Apple Blossom:

The despair and hurt of the Five of Cups/Water paired with the Apple Blossom (Renewal) remind me of the words of Mark Nepo: "when feeling miserable, we must look wider than what hurts." This does not mean we attempt to suppress our feelings with false optimism. Rather we take the advice of Pema Chodron: "The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."

It's All Valid

This week I'll be using the Granny Jones Australian Tarot, created by Granny Jones (Rebecca Jones) and published by Kangaroo Press. Along with it, I'll be drawing from the Button Oracle, a set I made for myself from a collection of buttons. Today's draws are the Five of Cups and Goldfish:

The pain is valid. The grief is valid. The anger, fear, and emotional exhaustion are all valid. 

~Oren Jay Sofer

It's easy to get lost in our sorrow, to let it wrap around us like a blanket. We may alternate between despair and apathy as we try to find the path to compassion and equanimity. The big question becomes, how do we hold both our grief in our cupped hands without losing our gratitude? The Goldfish button is paired with a quote from the Tao Te Ching: "That which offers no resistance, overcomes the hardest substances. That which offers no resistance can enter where there is no space." We don't need to run from our pain or attempt to smother it with toxic positivity. Instead, we allow it to be felt while also remembering to peek out from behind our blanketed heart to see that there is still beauty, warmth and wonder around us. 

Might Need Some Conflict Resolution Training

From the Tarot Lukumi, the Five of Cups; from the Diloggun Oracle, Okanran (one mouth):

In this depiction, Oggun has been betrayed and poisoned by some seeds. Oggun, god of iron and war, had a dual nature: creative as a metal worker and destructive as a quick-tempered warrior. As the Dhammapada states,  "Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world." And violence only begets more violence, which explains his poisoning. The sayings associated with Okanran emphasize this understanding:

Ifa: One must come to recognize that stubbornness is not beneficial; the truth regarding oneself must be listened to. Do not be overly influenced by your self-defensive ego.

Proverb: Ears that do not listen to advice, accompany the head when it is chopped off.

I don't think it gets more clearer than that!