From the Mary-El Tarot, the Ten of Swords; from the OH Cards, Amputation/Father:
At first glance, White's Ten of Swords makes me think of the Death card, but in one sense that is what is happening. Her booklet describes this card as a liberation from 'mental prisons.' I'm currently taking an
online course with Pema Chodron that includes lessons about how we self-identify with our emotions and stories that challenges bring. Chodron has chronic fatigue, which is similar to having the flu all the time. She describes how easy it is to add suffering on top of it instead of just being with the painful experience itself:
Just that, that’s enough, but the majority of us, we don’t just leave it at that. Then it’s like, “But I used to be able to do all of this, and I could do all these things, and now I can’t do any because I’m in bed all the time.” So the pain of having the illness just gets exaggerated by feeling so disappointed that your identity has been demolished. And then along with that is what everybody else is going to think of you now, because they always thought I was this great accomplisher, and now I’m this sickly person who can’t do anything. It’s the thoughts that are like the bricks and mortar of our personality, that keep it solid and don’t allow us to experience the dynamic, fluid quality.
When part of it is true (the experience itself), it's easy to believe and identify with the emotions and stories that are just passing through the mind and are not actually solid and permanent. Amputation/Father is a good example in my case. I've had three fathers in my lifetime, and I've created a self-identity around each one: my biological father (the abandoned child), stepdad #1 (the abused stepchild), and stepdad #2 (the accepted stepchild). What a lighter load I would carry if I could just say "Yes, that happened" rather than carrying the heaviness of those self-created stories.
I am in the middle of an identity crisis of sorts, so your posts gives me something to think about. With both cards having a chopping blade, made me think of the idiom,"don't cut your nose off to spite your face."
ReplyDeletePerhaps a bit of self-compassion rather than self-flagellation is in order. :)
DeleteI recognize Chodron in myself. There were 30 years where I'd often find myself flat on my back, unable to get out of bed without assistance. Once correctly diagnosed w/correct follow through, it might happen once a year.
ReplyDeleteBut I'll always remember that feeling of not being up earning my air. That is probably the thing at the top of I'm the luckiest girl in the world list.
"that feeling of not being up earning my air" - wow, that ties up in a bow exactly how I feel when I'm hurting and can't do much. Amazing how much extra weight we tote around because of our magnifying minds.
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